


Veins of Tarnished Gold

by Social_Cocoon



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Abby and Lev are mostly just mentioned, Angst, F/F, Healing, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Game(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:48:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24919354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Social_Cocoon/pseuds/Social_Cocoon
Summary: Ellie returns to Jackson with a lie on her tongue and now must figure out how to move on and live with what she's done, and with what she didn't do.(Rating may change)
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 216





	1. Prologue

“Did you kill her?”

Rain pattered steadily against the windows. Ellie ran her thumb along the rim of her mug, letting the warmth from the tea chase away the chill in her hands. A droplet of water trembled on the end of a strand of her soaking wet hair, then a second later fell into the tea. She leaned back in her seat and slowly lifted her eyes to meet Tommy’s. One ruined.

“Yes,” she said.

Tommy made a sound like he was deflating. He ran a hand through his hair – messy and loose, a strange sight from his usual ponytail – and was quiet for a moment. Then he leaned forward and there was a sudden light in his eyes that she hadn’t seen since the day he’d come to tell her that he’d found Abby.

She wished he’d never come.

She wished she hadn’t been so goddamn weak.

“Well,” he said, excited now, “tell me what happened! How it happened.”

She didn’t want to, but did at the same time. She knew fully well what she was getting into when she had set herself on Tommy’s doorstep. Wanted to talk about it, needed to talk about it, and yet this was Tommy. That sudden change in him, shifting from tender caution to a ferocious yearning, that was what she had been afraid of. She needed someone who would understand, and it wasn’t him.

But he deserved something, even a lie – especially a lie. He was Joel’s brother. She was here out of obligation more than anything.

She told him everything. She hadn’t planned on it, but the moment she opened her mouth it all came pouring out, every little detail. He was, at least, a captive audience. She told him about how she found the boat Abby had left Seattle in, how Abby was, as always, not there. She told him about how she had the unfortunate pleasure of running into another fucked up militia group by stepping straight into one of their traps and spending a whole day hanging from a tree by her ankle while blood from a wound on her side trickled down her body. She told him about the two Viper men who had found her and tried to scare her with a Clicker that had been hanging beside her, and which ended up being the death of one of them. She unwrapped the bandage on her hand and showed him the bite, and he sucked his teeth and shook his head.

Fighting through the Vipers to find Abby was a blur; she told him everything, but seemed to speak faster than the memories appeared in her mind. Before she knew it, she found herself back in that place they had called the Pillars, standing in front of Abby who’d been strung up by her wrists.

God. She hadn’t even recognized her at first. In that moment Ellie had even felt bad for her, and that alone had made her stomach turn in on itself. And yet she’d cut her down.

Tommy, at least, stayed quiet.

Ellie told him about who she’d followed while Abby carried the unconscious body of the boy she’d been traveling with to the shoreline where two boats had been waiting. She didn’t tell him that she’d thought about just leaving, just for a moment. Instead she said that she’d just waited for Abby to put the boy down before fighting her. Forcing her to.

She hesitated at the memory of holding a knife up to the boy’s throat, just so Abby would fucking fight her. She would have killed him. She really would have.

Fuck.

Ellie flinched when Tommy’s hand came down on her shoulder, though his touch was gentle, reassuring. Or it tried to be.

“Take your time,” he said, giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze. She just nodded.

No, Tommy didn’t need to know about that. He wouldn’t have judged her, but that was part of the reason why she didn’t tell him.

Instead, she skipped to the fight, and she let him hear all of that, though her voice sounded very far away. Her mouth was moving, she just wasn’t there.

“And just as I got her down, she bit my fingers off,” she said, flexing the stumps her her left ring and pinkie fingers which had begun to sting at the memory. “I punched her again, forced her back under the water, and I…”

Her eyes trailed over to the scar on Tommy’s face.

“I drowned her.”

She let her go.

The tea had gone cold. Ellie dropped her eyes and stayed quiet, waiting for Tommy. She imagined that he could see right through her, that in just a second he’d call her out on her bullshit.

“And what about the kid?” was the first thing out of his mouth. She bit the inside of her cheek.

“I left him,” she answered. Tommy frowned.

“You left him? What if he comes after you?”

“He won’t.”

“You don’t know –”

“He won’t,” she repeated firmly, meeting his eyes again with an icy cold stare. “He was barely awake for more than two seconds when Abby got him down, I don’t even think he saw me. He’ll probably just think it was some Viper.”

It was a weak excuse and they both knew it, but Ellie kept that hard glare on him and refused to back down. In the end, Tommy was the one to look away.

“You know what? I don’t even want to think about that right now.,” he muttered. “You got justice, that’s what matters. I think Joel can rest easy now.”

‘Justice’ was a bitter word. She raised the mug to her lips to hide her frown and swallowed down some of the tea to chase the taste away. Didn’t even want to consider the last part.

Tommy settled back in his chair, turning his head to stare at the empty living room. He muttered something, maybe a “Jesus” or “Goddamn”, but Ellie wasn’t paying attention; she’d found herself listening intently for signs of life from upstairs, and wondered if Maria still lived here anymore, though she doubted it. But, this wasn’t the time to ask about that.

There was only a little bit of tea left in her mug, but she didn’t think she could stomach any more. “I should probably get going,” she started, pushing away from the table. Tommy turned to her again.

“You sure? You could stay here tonight if you wanted. The couch is pretty comfortable – you can trust me on that one. I’ve slept on that thing more times than I can count.”

“Thanks, but I’ve been missing my own bed for a while,” she muttered, though almost felt guilty for it. Once, she wouldn’t have minded a sleepover at Tommy’s, would have even been happy for the offer. She used to be so comfortable around him, sometimes more than she had been with Joel. When had that changed?

“I get it. At least let me walk you to the door,” he said, slowly rising from his seat. Ellie stood as well and pulled the towel he had given her from around her shoulders, draping it on the back of the seat. Her hair had only just stopped dripping.

“Um, hey, do you know where Dina is?” she asked as they headed for the door. “I saw she left the farm.”

“Oh, yeah, she moved back into her old place. Though, I think she spends a lot of time at Jesse’s parents’ anyway.”

She sighed. Yeah, that made sense.

They stopped in front of the door. Tommy opened it, filling the house with the sound of the downpour outside, and stood waiting while Ellie zipped up her damp jacket. She turned to him and opened her mouth to say something, but the only sound that came out of her was a sharp intake when he pulled her into a sudden hug.

“Sorry for being a dick last time we talked,” he said. He straightened up but left his hands on her shoulders. “You did the right thing, Ellie. Thank you.”

She wanted his hands _off_ of her.

“Yeah.” She stepped away and grabbed her backpack that had been laying beside the door, slipping it over her shoulders. “Thanks for the tea,” she muttered before pulling on her hood and hurrying out of Tommy’s house.

The rain was coming down harder than before, so hard that she could barely see, but she knew the way. She kept her head down, nearly jogging to put distance between herself and Tommy’s place as fast as possible, and was thankful that there weren’t many people out tonight. Only Tommy and the few people posted at the gate knew that she’d come back, and she wanted to keep it that way for now.

With just one exception.

A house appeared out of the darkness in front of her, all lit up inside. As she got closer, careful to stay out of sight, she could start to make out figures moving around in one of the rooms on the first floor. She saw Jesse’s parents first, sitting at the dining table, and then JJ appeared, being handed off to his grandfather who immediately tossed him into the air. Oh, man. She hadn’t realized just how much she’d missed the little guy. She couldn’t help but smile at seeing JJ’s giant grin, and at the same time felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. She’d been gone for so long. She’d missed his first birthday.

And then Dina came into view, smiling and laughing, and that feeling of guilt threatened to pull her into the ground.

She almost turned around and left right then and there, and it took all her might to make her feet take her to the porch and all the way up to the front door. She stood there, soaked to the bone and trembling from more than just the cold, and for a moment just listened to their muffled voices on the other side of the wall. She raised her hand, then hesitated and instead pinched the bridge of her nose, hard, so her hand stopped shaking. Fuck. Should she leave? What would they even say when they all saw her? Jesse’s parents probably hated her now, and Dina… She held onto her other hand, covering up the stumps. Did she want Dina to see her like this? Did she want Dina to see her at all?

The answer was yes, desperately. But she didn’t want to hurt her again.

But God, she had missed her so much.

Ellie took a deep, shaky breath. Another. Slowly, she raised her hand, and she knocked.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I'm just adding this note here to thank you guys for such an awesome reception to the prologue! I didn't expect much when I posted it so I was really blown away. I'll try to hopefully update this once a week, or if not that then once every two weeks. Thank you again for all the comments and kudos and bookmarks and everything, and I hope you all enjoy this chapter!

It was still dark out when Ellie entered the diner. There weren’t many people inside save for a few early risers and a small group getting ready to go out on patrol. A few of them glanced her way as she walked to the counter but beyond that didn’t pay her much attention, and that was fine by her.

“Mornin’, Ellie,” the man behind the counter, Darnell, said as she approached, giving her a smile that was too big and bright for this early in the morning. Though considering it was him here and not Seth, she didn’t mind too much.

“Morning,” she mumbled, shaking the quickly melting snow from her hair.

“What’ll it be today?”

“Just a drink. Something warm.”

“Sure you don’t want anything to eat?” he asked, like he didn’t know the answer.

“Not hungry.”

Darnell sighed and shook his head, but he didn’t give her crap about it, at least. “Well, we’ve got tea, as usual. Might still have one thing of coffee left in the back. Or…” He trailed off, then made a show of looking around as if to make sure the coast was clear. He leaned in, and when he spoke again it was in a hushed voice. “Pat’s in the back making eggnog right now. If you want, and if you keep it a secret, you can be the first to have some.”

“Oh shit, really?” He nodded. “Alright, sure.” Might as well. The moment the rest of Jackson found out about it, the eggnog would be gone within an hour.

Darnell’s giant grin was back. “Alright, I’ll go let her know! Grab a seat and get comfortable, it’s gonna be a little before it’s ready,” he said before disappearing into the back.

Ellie took a seat at the counter and began to take off her coat and gloves, though she hesitated for a second when it came to her left glove. Slowly, she pulled it off, revealing the wrappings underneath, and was certain she could feel people staring at it. The skin on the back of her hand started to itch.

It had been a month since she’d come back to Jackson, this time for good. The first week had been the worst part, what with the whole damn town hearing about what had happened to her and people either showing up at her door or ambushing her while she was outside, trying to check up on her, ask if she needed anything, drop off food that she never ate, and so on. They meant well, but it all just felt suffocating and overwhelming. By the second week she’d taken to barely going out and only answering the door to a few people. Someone, probably Maria, must have said something because the visitors pretty much stopped after that.

Since then she had done her best to return to a normal life, whatever that meant, and everyone else followed along. People still stared sometimes when she walked by, but overall it had stopped much quicker than last time. Now their eyes were mostly drawn to her hand, still wrapped. They all probably thought it was to keep the stumps of her fingers covered, but she could care less about that. A bite, on the other hand…

She ran her thumb across where the bite was. When she lifted her head, she noticed a woman to her left staring at her hand. Their eyes met and the woman immediately turned away from Ellie’s hard stare, ears going pink.

The front doors opened, sending a brief chill through the room. More people began to trickle in as it got lighter outside, filling the diner with the quiet buzz of sleepy chatter. A few gave her quick ‘hello’s and ‘good morning’s, but otherwise left her alone, and she was fine with that. If she hadn’t decided to wait, she would have been gone by now anyway.

“Hey you.” Ellie looked up from the shapes she’d been tracing on the counter and found Maria standing next to her. “Fancy seeing you here this early.”

“I’m just waiting for a drink,” Ellie muttered.

“Mhm. And I’m assuming you got enough sleep last night?”

“Yeah.”

Maria raised an eyebrow.

“I did. Really.” A few hours, anyway, which _was_ enough sleep for her. Maria didn’t see it the same way, but she couldn’t do anything about it but tell Ellie she needed to take better care of herself. Besides, it wasn’t like it was her choice to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep.

Maria pulled up a seat and put in her breakfast order. With her there, Ellie was able to relax a little. When she’d returned from Santa Barbara, she’d expected Maria to be beyond pissed with her. Which, well, she had been, but she’d been happier to see Ellie alive more than anything, and quick to forgive. Most of her anger had been directed at Tommy. She blamed him for Ellie leaving, even though it had been her own decision. It wasn’t like she hadn’t thought about going after Abby again before then – Tommy just had the last bit of push she needed.

Since coming back, Maria had made it her job to keep a close eye on Ellie, make sure she was alright. Or, that she was functioning, at least. She used to think Maria was kind of overbearing at times, but right now she didn’t mind it so much. She’d been on her own for months, so it was nice to have someone looking out for her now, even if she didn’t always act like it.

“Garden duty today, right?” Maria asked while she rummaged through the bag at her side. Ellie nodded, though was paying more attention to the mug in Darnell’s hand than what Maria was saying. She took it with a thanks and immediately took a big gulp. It was well worth the wait.

Two small wrapped packages were waving in front of her face when she put the mug down. She raised an eyebrow and, though she was pretty sure she knew the answer, asked, “What are those?”

“Sandwiches. For your lunch.”

“That’s –”

“Don’t you say it.” She set the sandwiches down on the counter. “They’re for you, and you’d better eat them. Don’t make me force feed you.” She said it like a joke, but Ellie was pretty sure she could do it.

“Alright, alright…”

“Wait, what is that?”

Ellie quickly lifted the mug to her lips. “Nothing.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” Darnell said with a chuckle as he passed. “I’ll get you some, too.”

The diner was starting to get louder. Ellie just about chugged down the rest of her drink, then stuffed the sandwiches into her coat pockets and stood from her seat. Maria watched her, frowning.

“Leaving already?”

“I kinda want to get an early start.”

Maria sighed, then immediately began to grimace as Ellie pulled on her gloves. “Oh, Jesus, you still have that?” she asked, eyes on the left glove.

Ellie’s left glove had been modified so the fabric of the last two fingers closed closer to her stumps instead of flapping around with the empty space. This glove in particular had been Maria’s first and last attempt. She’d cut off the excess length of the last two fingers and then tried to use the extra fabric to patch over the holes, though they’d ended up coming out lumpy and misshapen. She’d gotten someone else to do the rest of Ellie’s gloves after that.

“Didn’t I give you a bunch of better ones?”

Ellie shrugged. “Yeah, but I like this one.”

“It’s ugly.”

“So? It works.” She kind of like that it was ugly, anyway. Besides, she could care less about how bad it was; she was just happy that Maria had tried at all.

“If you say so.” Another sigh and she shook her head. “Alright, well, be good. See you later?”

“Sure.” Ellie gave Darnell a goodbye wave, then hurried out of the diner.

Jackson had begun to wake up, stores beginning to open and people heading to that day’s assignment. Ellie’s was in the gardens. She’d hated garden duty a few years ago, it being too slow and monotonous for her liking, and had been itching to go out on patrols and clear infected from the surrounding areas. Much more fun than pruning plants. She’d changed her mind since, but it wasn’t killing infected that she had a problem with. She wasn’t going to be taking patrols any time soon, anyway; Maria wanted to keep her where she could readily check in on her, and aside from that she refused to let anyone go out if she didn’t think they were fit for it. She’ pushed Ellie to taking up jobs within Jackson, though Ellie hadn’t needed much pushing to begin with.

It was fine. She didn’t mind the gardens so much anymore. They were a nice and quiet place to hole out in for a day, and at least she felt like she was doing something meaningful with herself.

A small building off to the side of the gardens was her first stop. Elizabeth, one of the people in charge of the gardens, was inside. She gave Ellie her gloves, scissors, and a basket and set her on harvesting the spinach, then kept her standing there for over fifteen minutes while going over in extreme detail the correct way to harvest spinach so it would keep growing over winter, then making her repeat everything she’d said. Twice.

“Alright, I’d better get on it!” Ellie said very loudly before Elizabeth could make her do it a third time, then practically ran out the door. Elizabeth was a nice woman, but she could be a real pain when it came to the gardens.

With one last look over her shoulder to make sure Elizabeth wasn’t about to come running after her, she made her way to greenhouse H. She noticed there was already someone else inside, but only realized who it was a second too late.

“Dina,” Ellie breathed, standing stone still in the middle of the doorway. Dina looked up from the plant she was cutting, and she seemed just as surprised as Ellie.

They stayed still and staring at each other for a long, awkward minute. Ellie shuffled on her feet, then finally broke the silence with a quiet, “Hi.”

“Hey,” Dina replied, offering a small smile. That alone was enough to knock the air out of Ellie again.

Ellie stepped inside and turned to close the door. She felt Dina’s eyes on her but was too nervous to turn around again. Instead, she set herself in front of the first spinach plant at the opposite row and asked, “Have you done these yet?”

“No. I just started, actually.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Goddammit, Elizabeth. Did she do this on purpose?

For a long time, there was no noise except for their scissors clipping off spinach leaves. From the get-go Ellie was making mistakes, too focused on the fact that Dina was only a few feet away, and ended up cutting too close to the leaf or not cutting all the way through the first time. She had to force herself to slow down, and she’d only finished with her first plant when Dina was halfway done with her third.

Since coming back, things had been tense and awkward with Dina, though she’d expected as much. Dina had been relieved the night Ellie had shown up at Jesse’s parents’ house…at first. Then she’d quietly cried her eyes out while Ellie told her exactly what she’d told Tommy, and the night had ended with Dina taking her back out onto the porch and yelling at her, then storming back inside and slamming the door behind her, a clear sign that Ellie was no longer welcome. The whole time Ellie had nothing to say but that she was sorry, and that just seemed to make Dina angrier. But, what else could she say? She made a mistake? She shouldn’t have gone? She didn’t even tell Dina the truth about Abby – _couldn’t_. It would have been even more of a slap in the face.

They’d only talked to each other once after that when Dina had shown up at Ellie’s with a large bowl of beef and broccoli that she’d made. It was one of Ellie’s favorites, in fact.

“I know you’re probably not eating much, but I figured you’d eat this,” she’d said, and Ellie had. At that point, it was probably the first proper meal she’d eaten in weeks.

They’d talked only a little, but it was enough for Dina to make it clear that she still cared about Ellie, but that she wasn’t even sure she wanted to be with her again, not after what Ellie had done. She needed time to figure things out, she’d said. It hurt but wasn’t a surprise. Waltzing right back into Jackson and picking up from where they’d left off sounded like some shitty fairytale.

After that they’d ended up sort of avoiding each other. Well, Ellie had definitely been avoiding Dina, at least. The most they’d said to each other was “Hi.” She wondered if she should say something now…

They continued down their rows, getting closer and closer to each other. Ellie was keenly aware of Dina’s body right behind her, and it was almost painful to not be able to turn around and hug her or kiss her or just…touch her, even just a little bit. She wondered if Dina felt the same at all. Hoped so.

“So, um,” Ellie began, desperate to break the tension. “I, uh, I thought you said before that you usually work at the daycare now.”

“I like changing it up sometimes,” Dina said, completely casual and collected. Ellie chanced a look behind her just to see Dina calmly and methodically snipping away with steady hands. How did she manage to stay so put together?

Ellie opened her mouth, but she couldn’t think of anything else to say. Instead, she turned back to the spinach and tried to focus on just that and not how stupid she felt, or on how guilty.

As she finally managed to calm herself down and keep her hands steady, she started to pick up speed, but Dina still outpaced her. Ellie had only started on her third-to-last plant when in the corner of her eye she saw Dina stand up from her very last one. She also noticed Dina turn to look at her, and for a while she just stood there. Ellie did her best to pretend that she hadn’t seen anything, and that it didn’t make her nervous. Was Dina going to leave? God, she hoped not.

“Hey, Ellie?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to come say hi to JJ after this?”

She almost dropped the scissors.

She tried not to look too shocked as she turned to Dina. Dina kept a mostly straight face, but there was a little line between her eyebrows, and when Ellie turned she offered up a small, hesitant smile.

“I’m sure he’d love to see you,” she added. “I think he’s missed you as much as I have.”

Ellie’s chest ached, and she felt both unbelievably happy and extremely guilty. But, she sure as hell wasn’t going to say no.

“Yeah, I’d love to,” she answered, and a look of relief passed over Dina’s face.

“Okay. We can go after giving these to Liz. I’ll just, wait here until you’re done.”

Needless to say she was quick to finish.

They left the gardens together. A few people glanced at them as they walked by, and Ellie kept her head down to avoid seeing their curious faces. She was happy right now, and she didn’t want any of them to take that from her, even if they didn’t mean to. Her eyes landed on Dina’s hand, and despite wanting to reach out and hold it, she stuffed her own hands into her pockets. Not the right time. Dina would probably pull away from her if she tried, anyway.

The walk only took five minutes. When they entered the daycare, Ellie decided to sit and wait by the front door. Dina disappeared behind the corner and a second later there was a chorus of tiny voices excitedly calling her now. Ellie couldn’t help but smile. Kids had always lived Dina. Ellie, on the other hand, wasn’t always the best with them. She was pretty sure she tended to intimidate the hell out of them just by existing. JJ was the exception.

Speaking of. Dina came back holding a very smiley and very adorable baby boy in her arms, though when he saw Ellie his smile faded away and he just started staring. She laughed a little. He’d done the same thing the last time she’d seen him, and at least this time it didn’t hurt as much to know that he probably didn’t remember much about her.

“Hey little guy,” Ellie said when they get closer. Dina sat beside her and twisted JJ in her lap so he was fully facing Ellie. He didn’t stop staring. Ellie leaned to one side, then the other, and he just kept following with his huge brown eyes.

“Is she the most interesting person you’ve ever seen?” Dina said to him. She was smiling, and for a moment Ellie was more distracted by that than by JJ. “It’s weird that he’s so quiet, he’s usually such a chatterbox.”

“Like his mom?”

Dina scoffed. “More like his grandpa.”

Ellie sat up straight and started making funny faces, sticking her tongue out or screwing up her face real tight or squishing her cheeks in. JJ’s grin came back immediately, getting bigger and bigger with each new face until he finally started to giggle. “That’s better.”

Dina gently bounced JJ on her lap for a moment, looking thoughtful, then asked, “You wanna hold him?”

Ellie froze. “Oh, is that – is that okay?”

“Should we ask him? Ahem – JJ, is it okay if Ellie holds you?” Dina asked, leaning around to see his face. He was too busy watching Ellie to even acknowledge her. “I think that’s probably a yes.”

“Oh, well, if he says so…”

Thankfully JJ didn’t pull away when Dina began to pass him over. She pulled away once she was sure Ellie had a firm hold on him, and as she did her fingers brushed against the bottoms of Ellie’s hands. They both flinched away from each other, just a little bit, and were looking at anything but each other. Neither one of them said anything about it, but the skin on Ellie’s hands felt warm for a long time after.

Ellie played with JJ for a bit, tickling him and blowing raspberries and flipping him over her knees so he was halfway dangling upside-down from her arms. He _loved_ that one, so much so that when Ellie stopped doing it he decided to throw himself back, catching her off-guard. Ellie and Dina both jumped forward to catch him, and Ellie managed to stop him before he could tumble all the way off her lap. She and Dina looked up at each other, and after a split-second the both started to laugh.

“I think that’s enough for you,” Ellie chuckled, turning JJ around so his back was to her and keeping her arms locked tight around him. She and Dina laughed again when he tried to throw himself back, again, and let out a frustrated whine when he couldn’t, and for a moment…for a moment everything felt good and easy, like she’d never left at all.

Then their laughs faded away and the uneasy tension came creeping back. It shouldn’t have been like this, her and Dina being hesitant about whether it was okay to see JJ or not or being nervous about Ellie being able to hold him. They’d been a happy family before, and now here they were, picking up pieces and trying to fit them back together bit by bit. Might not even find some of them.

Ellie took JJ’s hand between her fingers and sighed. Was she even good enough for them anymore?

A better question was, had she ever been?

Maybe it was time to go. She looked up at Dina and was about to come up with some excuse to leave, but then stopped when she found Dina staring at JJ’s hand on Ellie’s, her own hands curled into loose fists on her lap. She was smiling just a little, but it was sad, and it was tired. She looked almost like she was about to cry.

“Hey. Is this okay?” Ellie gently asked. Dina’s eyes flickered to hers, and she took a deep breath through her nose before answering.

“Yeah. This is okay.”


	3. Chapter 3

Ellie laid in bed, staring at her fingers in the dim light from the windows. It was very late at night, but she couldn’t go back to sleep. A nightmare had shaken her awake, leaving her trembling in a cold sweat, though now most of the fear and tension had gone away. It used to be that she would have to take an hour or more to calm herself down, but now it only took ten minutes. Usually.

When the fear went away it left her with an almost unbearably heavy feeling in the center of her chest. It was like there was a weight stuck inside of her and pinning her to the bed; she couldn’t get up no matter how hard she tried, not that she tried much at all. She just laid in her spot and thought about the nightmare over and over again.

She didn’t remember much except for a feeling of suffocating. What from, she wasn’t always sure. Sometimes she thought it had been hands around her throat, other times the hands were on her shoulders, pushing her down, down, down. No matter how hard she bit or kicked or scratched or screamed, she could never get the hands off of her. As she struggled, she’d looked up and seen something or someone through her dark muddled vision, and then she was awake, grasping at her throat where she swore she could feel the old bruises again.

Over and over and over she remembered the feeling of dying in her nightmare, how terrifying it was to be trapped with no way out no matter how hard she tried, how her stomach sank as she realized that this could be it. It was a feeling she was all too familiar with given how many times she’d almost died, and it never stopped being terrifying. In fact, it just got worse. Every single time.

She turned onto her side, unsticking her face from the tear-stained pillow, and stared at the wall. She tried to think of anything else, but everything came back to death and blood on her hands, the blood in her mouth.

Sometimes she wanted to die, just to get it over with.

Time passed. Slowly, the room began to brighten as the sun came up. She turned onto her back to watch what she could of the sunrise through the windows, but that was all. She should have gotten up, should have started getting ready for the day. She was supposed to work at the general store today, but she…couldn’t get up. Couldn’t even make herself care enough to want to. Her body was too heavy, and she didn’t feel like fighting with it or pretending she wanted to force herself to go out and pretend to be okay. Not today.

A small part of her felt guilty and pathetic and angry. The rest felt empty, almost. Numb. So what if she didn’t show up? Someone else would take her place, and they’d be much more useful than she was right now.

The day went by, and she only got up from the bed once and that was to use the bathroom. Her stomach growled a few times, but she didn’t actually _feel_ hungry. Eating felt like too much energy, not to mention having to get up and find something in the first place, and even the thought of food made her feel a little sick. The most she had was a sip of water every so often.

It wasn’t the first time she’d ever felt like this, and she knew it wouldn’t be the last, no matter how badly she wanted it to be. Actually, she was pretty sure she’d been this way all her life, but it didn’t used to be so bad. Sometimes when she was a kid she’d just have a bad day, just didn’t want to be around anyone, but she never stayed glued to her bed. Plus, she’d had Riley to make sure she had no reason to. Then Riley left, and from there it got worse and worse. Riley left, Riley died, Marlene left, Tess died, Sam died, Henry died, Joel tried to leave, Joel almost died, she almost died, she didn’t die, Joel lied, Joel did die, she tortured Nora, she killed that pregnant woman, Jesse died, Tommy almost died, Dina almost died, she didn’t die, _she_ didn’t die.

On and on, worse and worse. After Seattle, she’d just wanted to curl up into a ball and rot, and there were plenty of times where she almost had, but she had Dina, and Dina wouldn’t let her. More than that, she didn’t want to let Dina down, not after the shit Dina had gone through because of her (and look at where they were now). She’d been close to letting herself rot again in Santa Barbara, but her body was trained to survive. Santa Barbara was not safe, whether from the Vipers or infected, so she couldn’t shut down. Survival was what kept her body pushing through from California to Wyoming, even if her mind had mostly shut down. Now she was back in Jackson, built so no one had to fight for food rations or wonder where they could find a safe place to sleep away from infected or bandits (or self-important psychopaths) or be too scared to even breath incase some Clicker or Stalker was waiting around the corner. Jackson was built for living. Well, here she was, living in this fucking bed.

The sky had started to turn purple when there was a knock at her door. Immediately she turned over so her back was to it and pulled the blanket tighter around herself. Another knock.

“Ellie?” Maria called. When Ellie didn’t respond, she knocked again. “Ellie, I know you’re in there. Kara told me you didn’t come in today, she wanted me to see what’s going on.”

Ellie just put her pillow over her head and held it tight. She didn’t need Maria trying to help today.

Of course, Maria didn’t give up easily. She stayed for a long time, knocking and calling out for Ellie and trying to convince her to come out, and Ellie was very glad that the lock on her door worked. She didn’t want anyone bothering her or trying to pull her out of whatever the hell it was that she was feeling – they’d just make it worse. Sure, Maria meant well, but she wasn’t going to actually help, she was just going to tell Ellie that she couldn’t stay in here like this and she needed to eat something and get outside and what the fuck ever. Ellie had heard the same spiel enough times, and obviously Maria’s advice wasn’t helping. She just wanted to be left alone.

At some point she realized that Maria had gone quiet. She waited, waited, then pulled the pillow away and listened closely. Nothing. Seemed like Maria had decided that it wasn’t worth the trouble this time. With a sigh, Ellie finally relaxed. Maria could get mad at her tomorrow and go on and on about how Ellie needed to take better care of herself, whatever, but tonight was not the night for it.

The light faded until the room was dark again. Her irritation slowly gave way to guilt, but she didn’t want to think about it. Her eyelids were getting heavy, and that’s what mattered now. She closed her eyes and fell asleep within seconds, thank God, and only hoped that tomorrow wouldn’t be the same as today. Maybe she’d change it up and wallow on the couch for once.

Ellie woke up in the middle of the night again, but this time she didn’t remember the dream at all. For the best, she thought.

Today, guilt hit her in full force, both for how she’d treated Maria and for not even trying to tell Kara she wasn’t feeling up to work. The very least she could do now was go and make up for it, and trying to be useful was the least she could do for herself. She got cleaned and dressed, and by that alone was already off to a better start than yesterday.

It was just past sunrise when headed for the door. It was still a little early so the store might not have opened yet, but she could get something quick to eat beforehand, at least. Still wasn’t very hungry, but she knew she should anyway. She pulled her coat on, opened the door, and stopped an inch short of running right into Tommy.

“Shit!” she hissed under her breath, jumping back. Her hand flew back to where the switchblade was kept in her pocket, but upon realizing who was in front of her she quickly tried to play it off by instead wiping her hand on the side of her pants.

Tommy stepped back, one hand still in the air mid-knock, and a second later let out an apologetic chuckle. “Ah, shit, I didn’t mean to scare you. Wasn’t even sure you’d still be here, but…” He trailed off and shook his head, then gave her a warm smile. “Mornin’, Ellie.”

“Hi,” she muttered. Her eyes avoided him on instinct, but she forced herself to pull them up and focus on a spot between his eyebrows. Another heavy feeling was starting to form in her chest, but it wasn’t like the one that had kept her pinned down yesterday. “Did you need something?”

He blinked, apparently not expecting that kind of response. “Er, not exactly. I just…wanted to check up on you, make sure you’re alright. I heard you didn’t show up for work yesterday and no one had seen you anywhere else.”

“Oh, I’m fine. Wasn’t feeling well. Cramps, y’know,” she added. Right on cue, Tommy shifted awkwardly from foot to foot. It was a reliable lie; he and Joel had never been all that comfortable with period stuff. Not that she’d ever been comfortable bringing it up around them, either, but it was always a handy lie.

“Oh. Do you need anything…?”

“No, no. I’m fine now. I was actually on my way to go and make it up to Kara, so –”

“Hey, Ellie,” Tommy said, stopping her before she could try to slip by him. “Can I ask you something?’

She did her best to look as casual as possible. “Sure.”

“Have you been avoiding me?” he asked, looking closely at her, and it was getting harder to keep her eyes on him. “Ever since you got back it feels like I’ve barely seen you at all, let alone talked to you.”

Shit. Of course he’d noticed. “No. I mean, I’m not really talking to anyone anyway, so it’s not a you thing.”

“Ellie, I’m not completely stupid. If something’s wrong, you can tell me.”

“Nothing’s wrong, Tommy. Seriously,” she said, and despite how much she’d tried to keep it down, the hard edge in her voice came out clear as day. She bit the inside of her cheek, then took in a deep breath and stepped forward, closing the door. “Look, I have to go.”

“Ellie –”

“I’m gonna be late. We can talk later.” With that she pushed past him, leaving another lie hanging in the air behind her. Tommy didn’t follow.

Like with Dina, Ellie had been avoiding Tommy, maybe more than she had Dina. At least with Dina they’d _both_ been skirting around each other, giving each other the space they needed and waiting until Dina was ready to break that space, but with Tommy it was harder. He wanted to talk to her and to try spending time with her like they used to, and she didn’t. Couldn’t. She’d always find some excuse to leave conversations early or manage to disappear the moment she saw him enter a room or coming up the street.

The truth was that she was in a way afraid of him. She was afraid that he’d somehow finding out that she’d lied about Abby and blow up at her, and scared that whatever he said would be right, or that it would make her regret everything and want to go running right back to find Abby, and she couldn’t do that again. She’d let Abby go for a reason that she didn’t fully understand, she couldn’t go back on that. She didn’t _want_ to, but Tommy had already shown her that he wouldn’t accept that. He would want her to make things right, but she didn’t think she would be able to take it, not after everything that had happened and what she had done, who she’d started to turn into. She would rather curl up and rot.


	4. Chapter 4

Breathe in. Out.

“Hi, Joel.”

Joel, of course, didn’t say anything back.

Ellie shifted her weight from foot to foot, staring down at the headstone of Joel’s grave. It was covered in a layer of frost, save for his name which she’d wiped clean, and a heap of snow sat on top. For some reason that little pile was bothering her.

She hadn’t meant to come here. It was nighttime and she’d meant to lay down and try to fall asleep, but, well…that _try_ part hadn’t worked out so well. She gave up after an hour, too restless to pass out, apparently. Instead of laying in bed staring at the ceiling for hours, she’d decided to go for a walk. No destination in mind – she figured she’d just do a lap around the center of Jackson where all the stores were – and she didn’t pay attention to where exactly she was going until she passed the first grave and then found herself standing in front of Joel’s. It was the first time in a year or more that she’d come to visit him.

“Sorry I haven’t been around,” she muttered. “After Seattle, I…”

Couldn’t.

“Dina had a baby. I was helping her out.”

Ellie stopped, then groaned and ran a hand down her face. Jesus, she was lying to a _headstone_.

And yet that headstone was making her feel all screwed up inside. She’d avoided the grave for a reason: her failure in Seattle made her too guilty and too upset to come here again. The guilt this time was even heavier because this time she’d chosen to fail, and she couldn’t decide whether Joel would have been pissed at her or not for it. She believed that he wouldn’t, that he’d just be happy that she came back alive, but the idea that he would hate her for not getting revenge on the woman who killed him was stuck in her mind. Just a little bit of doubt, that was enough.

 _He wouldn’t have wanted me to go that far,_ she thought.

 _He would have done it for you,_ Tommy had said.

And what did she know? She’d only known Joel for five years, and most of that had been spent shutting him out. Tommy was his brother.

It wasn’t just her guilt that kept her away, either. Deep down, she still felt angry with him. She hadn’t forgiven him at all for what he’d done to the Fireflies and to her, even now. Understood it? Sure. Forgiven? Not yet, and maybe never. But who hunted a woman across the country because they hated the person she killed? And she didn’t hate him – not anymore, anyway – but she hadn’t realized how much she still cared about him until she was pinned on the floor watching him…watching _her_ …

Ellie closed her eyes tight and took a few deep breaths before opening them again. That snow pile was still there.

She’d meant to come back to his grave eventually, hoping that maybe it would do something, spark something inside of her that would answer the question of what the fuck she felt about him. She loved him, but she couldn’t forgive him, but she was trying, but she’d had to let go.

But this was just a grave.

She stood stuck to the ground for another minute, then slowly stepped around to the other side of the headstone and sat down with her back pressed against it, knees pulled up to her chest. Tiny snowflakes settled on her hair as she buried her face in her arms. The moment she closed her eyes, Abby crept into her mind.

She’d found her. _She_ had found Abby, not the other way around this time. Abby had gotten thin since last time, and by the time Ellie showed up she was almost dead already. She was tied up right in front of her, could barely move, couldn’t even put up a fight. Ellie could have shot her, made it quick, or could have taken her knife and made it hurt. She’d had it in her hand. She could have done it.

But neither felt right. She didn’t want it to be quick. No gun. But…she didn’t want to draw it out like that. No knife.

So many times she could have just ended it, from the moment she found Abby to when they were about to climb into the boats. Maybe the kid was what stopped her, the way Abby held him, how she could barely walk but wouldn’t let him go. Maybe she didn’t want to be the reason why he’d wake up alone and barely alive with Abby’s corpse next to him. He was just a kid.

At least, that’s what she tried to tell herself was the reason, but if it was then she wouldn’t have pressed her knife to his throat.

She would have done it. In that moment, at least, she was pretty sure she would have. The idea made her want puke now (did make her puke before), but whatever to get to Abby, right?

And in the end, she couldn’t even finish it. Had her under the water and she just let her go. She didn’t want to, but she didn’t _not_ want to. After all she’d done, all she’d been through, everyone she’d killed, Abby, _Abby_ who had beaten Joel to death with a fucking golf club, was the last straw? She’d killed Jesse and almost killed Tommy and Dina and JJ. She deserved it more than anyone, didn’t see?

But, the same could be said of Ellie, couldn’t it? She’d tortured Norah to death, she’d killed that pregnant woman and her baby, she’d almost killed a fucking kid.

She was shaking.

“Joel, I…I’m…”

The words died in her mouth. She bit her cheek and tried again, and again nothing but steam came out. Finally, she stopped.

Five minutes passed, then ten. Finally, she let out a long sigh and pushed herself onto her nearly numb feet.

“I should go. Don’t want to lose my toes, too,” she mumbled, pulling her coat tighter around her. She glanced back at the grave, then reached forward and pushed the snow off of the headstone. Then she left.

The streets were completely empty this late at night. It was slightly eerie compared to how lively Jackson was during the day, but at least there was life. She still got jumpy at loud noises and hadn’t stopped occasionally checking over her shoulder just yet, but she knew she was safe and if she screamed there would be people to help and that was enough.

It was around two in the morning, maybe later, but a few houses still had their lights on. Ahead of her she saw a door open and someone step out with what looked like a bottle in their hands. It took a few more steps for her to recognize who it was, and when she did she grimaced and pulled the hood of her coat up hoping that it would hide her face as she walked past.

Of course, it was not use trying to hide from _her_.

“Ellie! Hey!” Cat called. Ellie stopped in her tracks and resisted the urge to groan.

“Hi, Cat,” she said, giving Cat a quick wave.

“It’s late as hell, what are you doing out here?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

Cat made a vague gesture to the house behind her. “Getting some fresh air. Me and some others were having a game night – do you want to join? We’d all love to have you.” She held out the bottle in her hand. “Drink?”

“No thanks. I’m headed home right now, actually.”

“Oh, yeah? I’ll join you.”

“Actually I’d –”

“Too late, it’s already happening.” She drained the last of her drink and set the empty bottle on the ground, then jumped off the porch and sidled up to Ellie with a cheeky grin on her face. Ellie sighed but didn’t fight it; Cat would do what she wanted.

Despite Cat’s initial enthusiasm, though, the walk started off in an awkward silence. Ellie stuffed her hands into her pockets and found herself looking at everything but Cat. They hadn’t actually talked in months, mostly because Ellie had been avoiding her…well, she’d been avoiding everyone since Joel died. The last time she’d spoken to Cat was at Jesse’s funeral, and even then they’d barely said more than a few words to each other.

Ellie glanced at Cat from the corner of her eye. She should say something, right?

“Your hair’s different,” she decided, noting that Cat had shaved the bottom half of her head, though the hair there had already grown out a little. Still kept the bangs.

Cat ran her fingers through the fuzz. “Yeah, I figured I’d try something new. You like it?”

“Sure.”

“‘Sure’? Jeez, why don’t you just stab my heart out?”

“Well, what do you want me to say?”

“It looks amazing on you, Cat.”

“It looks okay on you, Cat,” Ellie said, rolling her eyes. Cat clicked her tongue in annoyance.

“Smartass. Nice to know you haven’t changed all that much, at least.”

She already knew the answer, but still asked, “What do you mean?”

Cat hesitated, looking like she hadn’t meant to let that part slip. She was usually so bold and blunt, and tripping her up like this would have been funny under any other circumstance. Ellie was almost disappointed that she didn’t get to enjoy it.

“I mean, we haven’t talked in forever and…you looked different after…when you got back. The first time, I mean.”

“From Seattle. You can say it.”

“From there, yeah. And then I heard you want to California, and –”

“Everyone knows about that, huh?” Ellie muttered.

“We did when Dina moved into her old place. You know how nosey Jackson is.” Cat sighed. “What I’m trying to say is, I’m glad that you’re back and that you’re still the Ellie I know, mostly.”

Well, it was a good thing someone thought that. She didn’t.

“Hey, by the way…how are you and Dina?”

Ellie groaned. “Cat…”

“I’m not trying to start shit! I’m just asking. Jeez. I don’t get jealous like that, unlike –” She hesitated, noticing Ellie’s raised eyebrow. “I don’t get jealous. There, that’s it. I’m just asking because I still care about you, y’know. We’re still friends, right?”

“Yeah, we are.” A sigh. “Me and Dina are fine. That’s it.”

Minus the fact that Ellie had gone back to mostly avoiding her again, but they still talked sometimes. It was something.

“Well, good,” Cat said. “I just wanted to make sure that was all okay, and that you’re okay.”

Ellie mumbled out a sort of thanks. It was nice, at least, that she and Cat were still okay even after breaking up and anything after that. She’d seen plenty of people who went straight to hating their exes once they broke up and had never wanted that with her and Cat. Cat was a good friend. A little much at times, sure, but nice to be around.

They reached the garage a few minutes later, both of their faces red from the cold. Ellie stopped at the door and turned to say goodbye, but before she could get the words out Cat had already yanked her into a tight hug.

“I missed you, El.” She gave her a squeeze, then pulled back and smiled. “You’ll come hang out some time, right?”

“I –”

“ _Right?_ ”

It was clear then that there was no saying no; she would either come on her own or Cat would make her. So, she sighed and nodded.

“Right.”

Cat’s smile got even bigger. She hugged Ellie one more time before stepping away. “Go get some sleep, I’ll see you later. Goodnight!”

“’Night.”

The moment Ellie was back in her garage she flopped facedown onto her bed, suddenly feeling drained, regretful, and even a little angry. She should have said no. She already didn’t want to hang out with Cat or any of their other friends (were they still her friends?) before, but now she almost dreaded the idea. But of course, Cat never took no for an answer, not even for something as simple as not walking with someone who clearly wanted to be alone. Sure, she would try and avoid the whole thing and act like she forgot about it, but that would just wind up with Cat banging on her door or ambushing her later and dragging her wherever the hell she wanted like she _always_ did. There was a reason they’d broken up! She’d though they had _both_ learned from that? Did Cat just not care?

…No. No, of course she cared. She wouldn’t have asked in the first place if she didn’t.

Ellie flipped onto her back and pressed the palms of her hands against her eyes, then began pulling off her boots. “Just try to be positive about it,” she grumbled as she took her coat off and crawled under the sheets. “Hanging out with real people is less weird than hanging out in a graveyard.”

Her head sank into the pillow, one arm hanging off the side of the bed. Just as she was about to close her eyes, a faint shimmer caught her attention. Focusing on it, it looked like the moonlight was shining on something stuck halfway under her nightstand. She shimmied closer to the edge and leaned down just enough that the tips of her fingers could press against it and pull it out into the open, revealing what turned out to be an old DVD case. The cover was faded and barely visible in the moonlight, but she could just make out the words _Jurassic Park._

Her fingers gently brushed over the plastic cover. A long moment passed before the case was picked up and set on top of the nightstand.

She’d go see Cat in the morning.


End file.
